As Time Goes By....

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We might think of this phrase and remember a popular British comedy with the same title. Some might reflect that time has passed awfully quickly. My 8-year-old nieces might say that they want to "hurry up and be grown up.” Time can be a healer and time can be painful. Painful time happens during a crisis, a drastic change in someone's life or a harsh loss. This can be through death, job loss, loss of health, etc. This is called grieving. Sometimes grieving can progress to depression.

So, what's a person to do if they find themselves surrounded by grief, either their own mourning or someone else's? It will touch us all. No one knows a "typical" grieving process. There are stages, but length of time for grieving is different for everyone.

Well, let's say we are a concerned congregation member. What do we do or say to a grieving person? My reading and experience with this leads to time and faith. Use time by calling the person. Take time to talk. Sometimes scary subjects might come up. The grieving person may sound like their faith is taking a questionable hit. It isn't unusual to become angry with God. This can become a trial of their faith. It's perfectly allowable to say; "I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Would it help to talk with someone?” Refer them to our pastors if the subject is too intense. Otherwise, just listening helps.

Over the years I've seen some co-workers experience the loss of their children. One "child" was 34 years young. Our mind tells us that this isn't the natural order of life. Does this make the grieving any harder? I don't know, but I will say that it is difficult to watch the pain my friend is experiencing. Every year at this time, she is distressed and bursting into tears at work. The best that I can give to her is time to cry and I just hug her and hold her and we are not ashamed to have this happen in the nurses’ station. Some co-workers stop to help (because that's how we are). I simply announce to them that she is grieving. Maybe having this occur in a rather public place can help others. She is able to talk about her son. I think this helps.

I think the hardest part of seeing grief is the fact that this person has to experience this for themselves. You can't change their life event, nor can you make it better. Time is the element that allows life to evolve differently. Time will land them in a healing place. Sometimes "our" time is much different than God’s time.

In Christ,
Shelley Kayne

• Sleeping more/sleeping less;
• Loss of interest in things that previously brought pleasure;
• Lack of energy;
• Feeling worthless;
• Uncontrollable crying;
• Loss of appetite/weight gain;
• Isolation;
• Drug/alcohol abuse.

• Get a physical exam from your Health care provider;
• Get physical exercise;
• Cultivate a sense of humor;
• Take naps and get just enough sleep;
• Eat well-balanced meals;
• Stay in touch with friends and family;
• Be aware of family history of depression;
• Get out and volunteer;
• Be aware of the stress of life changes, loss of job, spouse, parent, child, friend, pet, divorce, or health.

• What Happens When I Die?, Hover, George - 2004
• But I Didn't Say Goodbye Rubel, Barbara - 1999
• “Men and Depression”, Wax, Beverly - Today's Caregiver, October 2006
• Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3:1-5